Recently on Slack a friend mentioned a time someone had knocked on their hotel room door late at night.
I posted the following two (slightly cheeky) replies:
“Did you shout “fuck off” and nestle deeper under the bed covers?
Unless it was a friend in distress of course. In which case, did you make them a hot chocolate and flip on a neutral but comforting movie”
Then I remembered something that fellow aspie Richard Pollhill and I have had fun doing over on the other channel (Facebook). Trying to come up with 100 answers. So I continued:
“Oh. Hang on. Was it the cops? In which case I believe in your culture the right answer is “how do you take your coffee?” Whilst digging out a large stash of mis-spelled doughnuts (donuts?! Wtaf?)
Or if it’s the slightly muddy* but very sweet old lady from the floor below maybe just gently lead her back to her own apartment by the arm.”
(*Note I meant muddly – it’s ok to make spelling mistakes, well actually I just make the rules up as I go along).
Everyone seemed game so I carried on, as fast as I could type. I’m not going to in-line all my 100 speed-typed options, but you can scroll to the end and see them if you want to. For me, part of the fun is trying to amuse myself with the answers I come up with.
Anyhow, others on the Slack seemed absolutely amazed, like it was some kind of super-power to be able to do this. And here’s the thing….It has never struck me as anything other than completely normal to do this. And loads of fun. It never once dawned on me that it was unusual, or a special skill or anything. In fact, I’m still not sure it is a special skill, rather that having the desire to answer a question with 100 options might actually be the thing that is unusual.
And I got to wondering how many other unusual things I do without even realizing it. Who knows, perhaps one of them is actually useful / marketable J It prompted me to question what else I might take for granted about myself. I decided to share in case this question is useful for you as well.
Anyhow, here are my 100 responses.
Did you shout “fuck off” and nestle deeper under the bed covers?
Unless it was a friend in distress of course. In which case, did you make them a hot chocolate and flip on a neutral but comforting movie
Oh. Hang on. Was it the cops?
In which case I believe in your culture the right answer is “how do you take your coffee?” Whilst digging out a large stash of mis-spelled doughnuts (donuts?! Wtaf?)
Or if it’s the slightly muddy but very sweet old lady from the floor below maybe just gently lead her back to her own apartment by the arm.
Is it when you open the door no one is there – and there are just some puppies in a box. With a blanket. No note.
I know, I know. It’s some flowers. But they aren’t for you. Someone has mistaken your room for that of a famous opera singer.
It’s a strip-o-gram. He’s wearing a bow tie and it looks frighteningly like he has nothing on under that trench coat. He has a cake. It says “louise”. He’s really really hoping that’s not your name.
It’s Sheldon Cooper. You can tell because he says “penny. Penny. Penny” and you always want to answer “thats threepence then”. But don’t.
It’s the window-cleaner. Your embarrassed because you never cash these days and you wish he would put bank details on those funny notes he leaves so you could do an internet transfer.
It’s your mum. You hide.
It’s the parcel delivery man. Dude you need to tip, because that’s a lot of stairs.
No, hang on, it’s the amazon guy. You have started to recognise him by his cologne because he knocks so often.
It’s no one. Or maybe someone. His or maybe her name is something something Schroedinger
There is no door. Well there kind of is. But it’s got a red strip light and every time you go through you come out somewhere else and the strip light is blue.
It’s some kind of doctor and when you look outside it’s tiny. Because your place is definitely bigger on the inside.
The knocking is actually just the beating of your heart
It’s tiny mouse in a top hat. He’s saying something but it just sounds like “squeak squeak squeak”
It’s a drone – they are delivering a parcel. They drop it. It hurts your foot.
It’s some kind of African drumming band. They aren’t knocking per se – you are part of some awesome percussion collective.
It’s kinda depressing because it IS amazon but they have come to pick up a parcel rather than drop one off
It’s a thousand nuts that were falling off a tree and got swept up by a freak wind
It’s a tiny Spider-Man rap dancer
Damn – tap dancer
It’s someone trying to sell dishcloths. They used to be in prison. They start the conversation “it’s ok, I’m not dangerous”
It’s a drip from the ceiling
No, hang on, it’s the plumber – they heard there was a leak.
It’s Einstein – he wants to know your precise coordinates in the fabric of space-time
It’s a cat – they seem like they just want a stroke, but know if you let them in they will sneak all their friends in for a party.
It’s your wife. She’s pretending to be alone but when you open the door 50 other people jump out and say “surprise!”
Which is odd, because it’s not even your birthday
It’s the dry cleaning man. It’s not your laundry but maybe you will keep it because that’s one snappy suit
It’s 0 c-programmers
It’s a wooden leg but until the other 3 arrive you won’t know of what
It’s a giraffe – they want their breakfast
It’s not the door. It’s the neighbour tapping on their roof because you are snoring too loud
It’s a caterpillar with one wooden leg
It’s that grumpy bossy dance teacher from the tv series “Fame” back in the 80s and she want you to “pay….in sweat”
It’s Lionel Richie and he wants to know if it’s him you are looking for?
It’s semaphore. You really hope next isn’t dash dash dash (I don’t mean semaphore)
It’s a three-earred ladies earrings falling off
It’s the tread of a war-horse
It’s champion the wonder-horse
It’s nothing, just you took off your noise cancelling headphones and now everything is SO GODDAMN LOUD
It was some crazy guy, Nekkid as a jaybird
It’s three men – one covering their eyes, one their ears, one their mouth. Maybe between them they will understand “go away and leave me alone?”
It’s a carpet salesperson
It’s a banana peel – someone left it there in case of a comedy moment
It’s some autistic chick and she won’t fucking shut up
It’s your own snoring
It’s the carpet guy battening down a new carpet in the hallway.
It’s Zeus sending lightening bolts down from the heavens
It’s god, only it can’t be because he doesn’t exist
It’s theee tiny drops of pollen from a nearby tree and they drop so lightly but today, just right now, you can hear them.
It’s the eerie laughter of three long dead children
It’s a fish – taking three hops until it’s back home in the sea (whew)
It’s your hammer, anvil and stirrup, so almost in time, but delayed from each other by a whisker
It’s three whiskers, tapping lightly on the chin of a whiskey soaked man
It’s three goes around a for loop
It’s a milking stool unevenly put on the ground
It’s a cow mooing gently as he walks unwittingly through one of temples human circular thingies
It’s a set of numbers
It’s a recording of a very short train ride – clickerty-clack
It’s three tears from a widow falling on the floor
It’s a small child jumping for joy
It’s the crunch of three snowy footprints….but Santa was already gone when you got there
It’s the passing of time – usually inaudible
It’s tumbleweeds twirling round and round
Its no one. At all. You just imagined it.
It’s those three opening chords of your favourite song.
It’s a huge cake and just as you open the door some weird looking chick in bunny ears jumps out.
It’s the three-clucking clicks of disapproval your grandmother could give all in a row
It’s three grains of rice, and one of them has the entire bible written on it in nano- writing, they were thrown by an experimental hand, to see which fell first.
It’s the father, the son and the Holy Ghost, having a who can knock the loudest contest. God is both proud of his son for winning and pissed at how blooming loud he was – it will disturb the neighbours.
It’s Sals three kids they are saying “I love you” which would be cute if it wasn’t like 4am or something.
It’s my fingers falling off from phone typing so fast and landing on the floor
It’s the tap of the branches of a tree that grew right up to the door while you were waiting for this list to finish.
It’s three m&ms thrown disguarded by a rock star because they were the wrong colour
It’s your back clicking as you stretch up
It’s the tick tick tick of an old cinematic reel because you fell asleep before the movie ended. And for some reason you live in Italy and it’s all black and white there
It’s rent-an-Opera. They are singing something from Carmen.
It’s the clicker clack of the lady aboves high heels as she passes and you had forgotten you were in a Bugsy Malone movie
it’s gunshots. But they are not for you.
It’s the mind police. When you open the door they want to interrogate you. They start by asking “how do you even do that”
It’s your neurons making connections but you can actually hear them
It’s lightening claps as you have thoughts
It’s the sound of every fear you ever had clashing together in a nightmare
It’s 88 things and they are knocking to let you know you aren’t at 100 just yet
It’s a Newton’s cradle and you are frightened it might never stop
It’s the crash of the three wave cycle and the next one is going to be the one to catch because you know how waves work
It’s a broad and slightly hairy handed man, he has a deep voice and wants to borrow a tool.
It’s a broad and slightly hairy handed lady, she wants to borrow a tool too and it’s much more badass than the man one
It’s Alanis Morissette she wants to tell you that’s 3,000 options when all you want is a knife
It’s mathematicians – they are knocking because they want you to check your adding up – you tell them to fuck off because it’s too late for that shit
It’s three fainting goats – because sometimes goats just do that
It’s the opening drums of “go wild in the country” by Bow Wow Wow playing really kid in a nearby park
It’s Bill Hicks coughing
It’s ok, it’s just room service
No, hang on, it’s everyone in the whole world that has ever lived or will ever live
It existential angst. It’s not even sure if it’s really there or not
It’s the end. It’s knocking. Thank fuck, you think. Finally.